Advice For A College Freshperson

By Bruce McGlaughlin

There are few things in life that can make one feel older than watching one's youngest child heading off to college.
I am, of course, lying. I can list a couple of dozen others right off the bat. How about getting that unsolicited membership card from the AARP? What about the sudden outgrowth of hair in your ears, male pattern baldness, or noticing you've begun to grunt when placing the dog's dish on the floor? What about how often you have to remove your glasses to read small print, miss the dialogue if the volume on the TV is not in the upper 40s, not being able to recall names you've known for years, and having the bladder control of a terrified frog? College-age kids? Ha! How about grandkids?
But even when you still has many productive and inevitably declining years to look forward to, the departure of your youngest child for college is a momentous event: a time to reflect that you are now, ecologically speaking, a waste of food. The wheel of time has turned full circle from the time of one's own departure for college, steamer trunk in hand, to renting a 12-foot U-Haul trailer to transport your prodigy's TV, DVD player, computer, printer, videogame player, bean bag, futon, refrigerator, two week's worth of food, microwave, school supplies, towels and washcloths, stereo system, speakers, CDs, air conditioner, books, wall decorations, oscillating fan, steamer trunk, four suitcases, three boxes of cleaning supplies, two sets of bedclothes, and a partridge in a pear tree, several hundred miles to a dorm room the size of a closet which, and this is the funny part, will be shared with a roommate who is similarly equipped! I assume they use the beds for storage space and sleep standing up, but what the heck do I know?
I'm a certified antique. I went to school in the dark ages when (and this is an absolute fact), if you were talking high-tech, you were talking about that new type of tape recorder that used cassettes.
Seeing this day approach for my daughter, knowing she would be away from home facing new and unpredictable situations with only the worldly possessions of a small household and massive infusions of cash, knowing she was starting the scariest, busiest, most experience-packed phase of her life with only her good looks, outgoing personality, keen intelligence and youth to sustain her, and most of all knowing that this was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to have the last word, I wrote down and presented to her, as we parted, the following advice.

· Don't panic. It doesn't help and it makes your skin break out.
· Wear practical shoes.
· The world is not fair; universities are no exception.
· A degree program is a journey, not a destination.
· "True love waits" is a lie.
· You will only get about 20 percent of what you learn from your classes, but do the homework anyway.
· Boys enjoy paying for things.
· Sleep is good for you — and makes it easier to stay awake in class.
· Always leave before the police arrive.
· You are responsible for your own birth control.
· You don't have to like everybody; not everybody will like you.
· Note and remember the location of the nearest fire extinguisher.
· Try not to sleep in the same clothes more than twice.
· There are only "events"; how you react to them is up to you.
· Nothing in the world is more useful than a pocket knife.
· Make use of the infirmary. That's what it's there for.
· Fighting authority just makes it stubborn. Look for the loopholes.
· Don't draw on your skin with permanent markers.
· Keep some Band-Aids in your purse.
· You don't have to have shampoo to wash your hair.
· Generally speaking, the only time a woman should get drunk is when she is drinking with other women.
· It's perfectly OK from time to time to give the boys a thrill.
· Remember when operating power equipment that scar tissue is forever.
· Fingernails are not one of the four food groups.
· When going to a laundromat, whether it's on campus or not, go with a friend and stay alert.
· You are talented, intelligent, clever, young and good looking; if you feel depressed it must be a chocolate deficiency.
· Brushing your teeth and removing your contact lenses are not optional activities.